Ms. Amiss
It's not that I feel unloved; I don't.
I don't wont for anything in the friendship department. Honestly, I think I could be the luckiest person alive. My friends are as devoted to me as I am to them and I know that, if I needed to, I could ask anything of them and they would comply without question.
I know the same of my family; they have proven since the dawn of my time their love and dedication to me.
And things for me in the centre of my civilisation couldn't really be looking brighter. I've got a good job (with the promise of a permanent position when I go back), I'm nearly done with school and I live in NYFC.*
Something in my heart is amiss, though, and I think I've figured out the syndrome: T.D.M.M.A.M.A.I.M.T.** It's not devestating; in fact, it's completely curable. Nothing a night of drinking red wine with my Charm Sisters can't fix, but the circumstances don't help, either.
I've flown down here to play Priest in one wedding and Bridesmaid in another; in between that, my grandmother is moving to town, so all the immediate (and extended) familial attention is paid to her. I flew down here to be here for them but all I can think about is how much I miss them. And missing and needing them are completely different emotions from being there for them.
I want to be selfish, I need to be selfish, but I know I should be selfless. In the interim I'm just blue.
Nothing is as I expected it to be and, I figure, they don't think I miss them as much as they miss me, which is why no one is saying anything. It's like that thing they do in movies when they give up their One True Love because they think they're holding them back. Who wants to be the only one in the relationship missing the other one?
The Lesbians' committment ceremony was perfect; it's exactly what I would want for myself. And The Lifelong Couple's wedding will be divine and fun, I'm sure. Heck. I've even squeezed in some Subway time, too. Plus I helped move my grandmother in her new apartment, a deal on which I was unhappy to give in.
Literally, I can't complain. Ask me, "What's wrong?" and I can't give you a legitimate response. I came down here to do a couple of jobs and I'm doing them.
*New York Fucking City
**They-Don't-Miss-Me-As-Much-As-I-Miss-Them
I don't wont for anything in the friendship department. Honestly, I think I could be the luckiest person alive. My friends are as devoted to me as I am to them and I know that, if I needed to, I could ask anything of them and they would comply without question.
I know the same of my family; they have proven since the dawn of my time their love and dedication to me.
And things for me in the centre of my civilisation couldn't really be looking brighter. I've got a good job (with the promise of a permanent position when I go back), I'm nearly done with school and I live in NYFC.*
Something in my heart is amiss, though, and I think I've figured out the syndrome: T.D.M.M.A.M.A.I.M.T.** It's not devestating; in fact, it's completely curable. Nothing a night of drinking red wine with my Charm Sisters can't fix, but the circumstances don't help, either.
I've flown down here to play Priest in one wedding and Bridesmaid in another; in between that, my grandmother is moving to town, so all the immediate (and extended) familial attention is paid to her. I flew down here to be here for them but all I can think about is how much I miss them. And missing and needing them are completely different emotions from being there for them.
I want to be selfish, I need to be selfish, but I know I should be selfless. In the interim I'm just blue.
Nothing is as I expected it to be and, I figure, they don't think I miss them as much as they miss me, which is why no one is saying anything. It's like that thing they do in movies when they give up their One True Love because they think they're holding them back. Who wants to be the only one in the relationship missing the other one?
The Lesbians' committment ceremony was perfect; it's exactly what I would want for myself. And The Lifelong Couple's wedding will be divine and fun, I'm sure. Heck. I've even squeezed in some Subway time, too. Plus I helped move my grandmother in her new apartment, a deal on which I was unhappy to give in.
Literally, I can't complain. Ask me, "What's wrong?" and I can't give you a legitimate response. I came down here to do a couple of jobs and I'm doing them.
*New York Fucking City
**They-Don't-Miss-Me-As-Much-As-I-Miss-Them
posted by Ruth @ 13:56
4 Comments:
At 22/10/04 11:59 ,
Lyzard said...
I want to be selfish, I need to be selfish, but I know I should be selfless.Why? Not why do you want to be selfish, why should you be selfless? Do realize what it means to be truly Self-less? It is when you give up your Self entirely and completely for the benefit of others. People laud that kind of thing all the time, but to what end? If you have given your WHOLE SELF away - what are you left with but emptiness? Inexplicable sadness? That feeling of something's just not quite right...
My theory is that you are not a water fountain that has an auto-refill. You are a water pitcher. If you pour your Self out completely, you are left empty and dry. While it is true that you can replenish yourself, the accumulation of moisture through condensation does not occur at the rate you give your Self away.
People who believe in their religions give tithes. They give 5, 10, 20 percent to their Gods. Do you believe in your Self? Where are your tithes? Give you 5, 10, 20 percent of your Self.
You are a kind, loving, rowdy, delightful blessing. A blessing that you deserve more than anyone else.
At 22/10/04 12:48 ,
Craig Wilkey said...
I am not sure if this makes any sense at all to anyone but me, but I try to live by...
Think Selflessly, Act Selflessly.To be selfish is to think about yourself and what you need to do to make yourself happy.
If you aren't selfish, at least to some degree, then how could you ever possibly expect to be happy?
Selfish does not necessarily mean self-absorbed and self-important.
You can find a balance.
At 22/10/04 13:10 ,
Bijtje said...
Remember what you said to one of my entries in my blog?
I wrote something along the lines of 'it should be "me time" for a change'. And you wrote something along the lines off 'be selfish and enjoy yourself'.
So i am giving that back to you right now. And whole heartly agree with everything that The Lizard said.
At 30/10/04 13:27 ,
Anonymous said...
i totally agree with all of the above! i mean, you came down to do a job, and a job well done it was! HOWEVER...dont think just because your not hearing ' i miss you'..that it means your not missed. i dont have to hear 'i love you' from susan, my mom, or my daughter, to know that they love me. we asked you to play the 'priest' roll, because we could think of noone better to encompass that roll and feel it the way you did! we wanted it to be 'real' and you made it that way. it was the happiest day of our life, and the most busy as well! you were the reason that ceremony was sooo perfect! and of coarse your missed. more than you know. but as you have always told me...somethings shouldnt be verbalized. and noone wants to be the one doing all the 'missing' as you also stated. your sounding a little pms'ie...could that be?
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home