Good Nights

Some nights are good. They end early- say 9:30, 10pm, and I'm tired, but not exhausted- not physically worn down. The nights when I'm not physically worn down are the good ones. Emotional wear, I can take it- mostly, but the physically exhausting days... I don't know which leads to which, and sometimes they can be independent of one another.

So tonight was one of those good nights. My bag was heavier than most nights, but felt lighter somehow. I noticed the reader board at the corner of PS 167 as I passed it:

FIRST DAY OF CLASS

9/8

Already? I wondered where the summer went. The air was cool- Ah, relief, a feeling for which I quickly scolded myself. Think of how cold it gets- how you loathe going outside, the slashing, inescapable cold winds finding their way down your collar, refrigerating your nose. It took all summer for your shoulders to resume their natural hanging position again, hunched up to cover your exposed neck during the winter.

I walked past the 7' climbing wall in the school yard- a sophisticated piece of playground equipment. What more does a child need than monkey bars, a slide, a swing and a something to climb on and chase her friends around? I should climb it, I decided on the spot. I can probably touch the top while still on the ground, but I should still do it, just to see if I can pull myself up and over.

There was an exhilaration coming from the usually ghostly playground. Children's shrieks and loud voices; "I got you!" "You're gonna get it, boy!" It wasn't until I walked all the way around the corner that I realized the presence of kids on the other side of the fence- a normal sight during the summer, sure, but only during daylight hours, before school officials come and lock up the "schoolyards to parks" at sunset. The gates were still open- a glitch in the matrix! A mistake, for sure! A chance to play in the darkness and squeeze more fun out of the day. I rarely find myself on a playground anymore, rarer still am I running around one, hiding, ducking, dodging, tagging, shrieking in physical delight. In that moment, though, I had the strongest urge to join these kids. I could scale the climbing wall! I considered it. Oh, who am I kidding? I can't do that. That's ridiculous. My imagination couldn't fathom doing any of those things in the company of these stranger children.

I thought of other activities- I could lay on the bench and finish my book by the light of the fluorescent orange street lamp. As I approached the second set of open gates, the sense of possibility heightened when I looked to see if the bench was taken. It wasn't. When I'd reached the open gates, I paused, contemplating. What time is it? 10pm- it's still early. Maybe... The pull was intoxicating: a forgotten schoolyard, unlocked and opened- like a magical portal on the block, a gift from the gods, a break from the monotony of the sidewalks, stoops, curbs, fences- forcing kids to play in straight lines- and out of the streets.

I smiled, and continued walking home, leaving the schoolyard to the children. My presence would have only made them feel supervised and their parents suspicious, I reasoned. For now, it was good enough that I gave pause to my longings. It's not often I acknowledge them.